I have a great instinct for people and human interactions. After all, when I write a screenplay or an article, there is nothing I love more than creating new characters. A lot of my friends have spotted this natural talent and, over the years, they have come to see me as their unofficial therapist when it comes to relationships.
In the age of dating apps, where there always seems to be someone else just one swipe away, one thing I dislike is the idea that people should only date someone who ticks a particular set of boxes.
He or she has to be a certain age, come from a particular socioeconomic background, have a good career, own an apartment or at least be able to afford to live alone. If they have a car, even better.
And, of course, they have to look the part.
Crazy? Yes. And sometimes more than a little prejudiced.
There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a relationship. We all have preferences, deal-breakers and things that matter to us. But there is a difference between knowing what you want and treating dating like you are filling a vacancy.
I know someone who only dates architects or technology guys, and only from a particular background. As a result, she is constantly moving from one date to the next.
The problem with having an extremely specific checklist is that you can become so focused on finding the right qualifications that you forget to notice the actual person standing in front of you.
A great job, a beautiful apartment and good dinner conversation might look impressive on paper. But none of those things tells you whether you actually like someone.
And sometimes the checklist isn’t really about love at all. It’s about money, status and what the relationship says about you.
When the first thing someone tells me about Mr or Miss Right is that he has a great job, an amazing apartment and knows how to hold a dinner conversation, I start wondering whether they are dating the person or the lifestyle.
Because there is one box that matters rather more than all the others.
The one you can’t really describe.
The one that makes you smile when you think about that person.
The one that makes you want to see them again.
If you connect, you connect. If you don’t, you don’t. You can have the perfect CV sitting opposite you and still feel absolutely nothing.
When Mr Right Doesn’t Call
I once had dinner with the colleague who only dated architects who ticked a very particular set of boxes.
She told me that her new architect and she had been on a couple of great dates. They had apparently got on very well. But after their last outing, which ended with them drinking wine at his apartment, he hadn’t contacted her for a week and a half.
She asked me what I thought.
I was brutally honest.
“You are wasting your time, energy and dignity dating a ghost. If someone repeatedly isn’t making an effort to see you or communicate with you, you shouldn’t have to keep inventing reasons for it.”
But I also suspected something else.
Deep down, I didn’t think she was particularly into him either. She was into the idea of him.
He had the right profession. The right background. The right lifestyle.
He ticked the boxes.
She couldn’t quite let go of the idea, even if she could probably let go of the man.
Then she said:
“I’m just not going to date a bartender, right?”
And that was all I needed to hear.
Because perhaps if she stopped looking for the person who looked impressive on paper, she might actually meet someone she liked.
Someone who didn’t necessarily have the right job title or the right postcode, but who made her laugh, treated her well and genuinely wanted to be with her.
Love Doesn’t Come With a Checklist
The best thing about love is that you can’t buy it.
You can have money, a beautiful home, an impressive career and a car sitting outside, and none of it guarantees that another person will love you.
Equally, someone can have very little money and still be kind, interesting, funny, loyal and completely right for you.
I’m not saying we should have no standards.
Of course we should.
Respect matters. Kindness matters. Fidelity matters. Emotional maturity matters. So does feeling safe and being treated properly.
But those are very different things from deciding that someone isn’t worth dating because they don’t have the right job, car, salary or social background.
And if someone doesn’t call or text, it is probably best not to spend days creating elaborate explanations for their silence. People have different communication styles, but when somebody consistently shows very little interest, believe the behaviour rather than the fantasy.
Don’t beg for love.
Don’t beg for respect, company, fidelity or empathy.
Those things have to be freely given.
So perhaps turn off the dating apps occasionally and look around you.
The person who makes your coffee.
The person who serves you brunch.
The person sitting opposite you on the Tube.
The person who says hello at a party.
The person who doesn’t look particularly impressive on your spreadsheet but makes you laugh.
You never know.
Love isn’t rational. It certainly isn’t a CV.
So ditch the tick-box list and be open to what life is actually throwing at you.
It might be much more interesting than the person you thought you were looking for.
